It is possible that you hate your husband because he stopped being responsible. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Not true. Wheres your compassion for that? Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. This article will provide the answers you need. Good luck. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. Just really need to rant. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. . She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. Also, with the balance issues there probably arent many activities MIL can do entirely independently, unless the house has had major adaptations to it (railing etc), and I am willing to bet that is not the case. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. Dear Wendy Raccoon eyes I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. , RedRoverRedRover I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. . February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. No wonder she keeps herself in her room all day. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . The issue isnt about hating your partner. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. How did you get them?? )and its very different. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. A central . I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Possibly. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. Go right back to when you used to love your husband. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Is that right? I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? And even my husband loves having her nearby. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Is there a senior center in your community? something random June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. Ridiculous. Its not easy, but its necessary. Raccoon eyes You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. . If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. So you talk to your husband and you move out. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. Raccoon eyes No matter how much you love your spouse, there will be days when you hate their guts. Hes feeding her a line. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. 4. What do I mean? June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Well, thats just the shittiest. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. What does it mean to. TaraMonster . She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. What Lies Do to a Marriage? He talks to his mom about it. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. Why do I hate my husband? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Why was that? I just dont really feel that bad for her. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. Hate my husband. I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. Finally, you need get your own place and move out of your MILs house. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! How? You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. She needs professional care. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Dear Wendy June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. And some of your concerns being naked? I agree. He needs to adequately defend their needs and manage boundaries. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. This isn't the first time. honeybeenicki Well, you need to stop that. (Right?) You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. He doesn't work on the relationship. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from dysfunctional relationship beliefs that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Duplex is a great idea. 6. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. 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