I had a business acquatainance when I owned my retail business. Repeat cheaters may be prone to infidelity because of an addiction to sex. I see them in therapy, and theyre ready to change; its usually because theyve gotten older, theyve gotten wiser, theyve destroyed their life, and theyre basically alone and miserable. I am also angered that your body literally had to get that sick and he still would not come clean when he saw you vomiting your guts out. If youre the betrayed, give it to your unfaithful spouse. Needing to regain self-worth by assigning blame. Like you said, it is possible that all of us have at least one. They will not only give you a meaningful apology, but will do their best to prove to you that they can be a devoted partner. She wants to see you squirm when shes around. Im a stay at home Mom with two very young kids and he controls everything. I would have grabbed that damn phone locked myself in the bathroom and read everything whether he called me crazy or not, and then I would have given him 5 min to leave. But once an addict, always an addict. This is why God forbids adultery. So I see more recent posts thinking I have the full picture and realise later that there are other golden nuggets that have been waiting in cyberspace. Im just going to always listen to my gut and see the red flags as real and not doubt my own intuition. I would recap her sins to date, and tell him you are compelled to take further action. I also think they get a bigger thrill from being in an affair with a non pig rather than another pig. There are millions of men out there just waiting for people like you. So many of his co-workers have said things like: he adores you and makes it known and whats the secret of your happy marriage?) On the other hand, there have been several occasions in the past where any non-stable women in his work environment mis-read his personality. What an empowering letter. He tells himself it will never happen again. Anyway, I just wanted to say, that it doesnt matter what we say or do, if the cs doesnt want to let go of the ap, they wont, until they are good and ready. That is the only way to be since trying to fix someone ultimately ends in frustration and bitterness. said cheating is subjective because different people have different boundaries. TH we are in the new house :-). He was probably crying and begging her like a little school girl not leave his sorry ass! i dont think it will change. As Sarah recommended , Quiet is an exceptional book. He doesnt want to lose half of his money through a messy divorce. Serial cheaters have a lot of experience getting others to trust them. Any information gives her power. So that is his part of it. High sensation seeker/loves adrenaline driven situations: He loves jumping out of planes, he dreams about racing fast cars, he is saving money for a solo expedition up Mt. The lengths that this guy would go to were more skilled than almost anything I had seen or read about. Hah. Brent, When a serial cheater is caught, they will look for different ways to justify their behavior. Its bad enough when a spouse cheats on their partner one time. Surprisingly, cheating is so common that it is sometimes hard to separate infidelity and serial adultery.. "A cheater keeps their cards close to their chest.". I thought through this, and decided it was an exceptionally clever tactic. It makes them feel powerful. Spouses who stay in these situations report: If you do decide to stay with a serial cheater, you will need help. Before we know why they want to remain married, lets talk about a Serial Cheater. Me wondering wtf I had done. According to a 2010 to 2017 General Social Survey issued by the Institute for Family Studies, 20% of men and 13% of women have had sex with someone who was not their spouse while married. The constant fear of getting caught cheating might be exciting to them. Her finances take a hit. These serial cheaters are opportunistic predators. They will push the limits, until they finally have enough. This often ends. A: I think she needed to be more present in his life . Note: Recently, one of the readers asked whether or not there was a way to know if a person who cheated would be a repeat offender. Do you think during the affair started that the wife could have done things to stop it or did it need to run its course? I would be curious to see what Doug and Linda have to say about traits that make a person less likely to cheat. Someone who makes a one-time mistake with cheating will show remorse and admit to being wrong, but serial cheaters see no wrong in their behavior. Yet I dont think we will be celebrating until the weekend because my h isnt home until the weekend. Limited-Time Deal on Marriage Course. I think our needs were similar just both wanted adoration and to be told we were fantastic. I want you to quit hating yourself and hating HIM! I am also truly sorry that you are having to live through such pain. In reality, many men stay married after infidelity. Its like they say, misery loves company. Turns out once a cheater, always a cheater is true. By clicking Sign up, you agree to receive marketing emails from Insider Now this man had by all appearances and actions to have not only completely remove himself from all his nefarious contacts by moving across the country and his children. He would mock my introversion and then give examples of extroverted women he admired. Like what I write? "I felt like the world's biggest scumbag." It's pretty shitty to be honest. How did the affair evolve and what were some of the clues the wife could have seen? So therefore I think yes, most cheaters will regret what they did, either because they are mature or because they suffer from the circumstances and wish they did things differently, and the ones that don't refuse reality and are lost in their own narrative and sorry egos. You come here supporting us that have been betrayed, and hurt. It's like they think nothing is their fault. Each and every one of the men I've met who fall into this category realize that if their wife discovered their infidelity that she would be very . As for the parking lot confrontation, do you prefer a nice chianti, a chardonnay, or perhaps a nouveau beaujolais? If you wanted to call, you would hsve called. She was 19 and carrying my child. So I think he was just going back to his old behaviors that he carried on with when I wasnt here. When he is at work, he is always in a jolly mood, he is a team player, and he loves to make small talk about safe topics such as the books he is reading. Fool me twice, shame on me. That phrase originated because of this phenomenon of repeating bad behavior. You take yourself right out of that Cinderella princess fantasy land that you meant something to him because you didnt. Im no psychiatrist but Im learning to spot those Narcs a mile away. Yes parking lot ass kicking she will understand. Unfortunately he began to enjoy them after his father died and business was nearly failing. Out of body experiences. He sees himself as belonging to a dog eats dog world where no one is loyal. PS- SR, congrats on the anniversary. He continues to cheat. That was because he knew that one day he would come home and see me and our children gone, I had already made arrangements for a place to stay, which he knew about, so he knew I was dead serious, at nolonger waiting for him to choose his family over her. Just as you were taught not to judge a book by its cover, it's near impossible to look someone in the eye and, in just one glance, know they're a cheater. My 16 year old daughter finally caught them and its scarred her for life. We use cookies on our website to give you the most relevant experience by remembering your preferences and repeat visits. A great salesman and he knows how to work me. Serial cheaters are exactly what their title . I will say your H needs to totally ignore her. She told him to call the ow suspect on a speakerphone and he had to say the following : Ive just told xxx (my wife) everything. They may feel unsatisfied in some way. Maybe they tried to work on some of their marital issues but their wife wasnt willing to put in the effort. Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV. New beginnings and happy days ahead ( although some concrete floors and plasterboard walls to be finished .). They crave attention or an ego boost, so they have an affair. Never cared, it wasnt my business. Cheaters tend to take stock in the reverse. I know sometimes when I write about the ow in my life, I get so frustrated and upset, after a while. Always trying to be entertaining, engaged, funny, etc. The very act of sneaking around may also excite them. And you might say its up to my husband to put up boundaries well he does and I have even been present at his work when he does. It all depends on the degree to which these traits rule and define the persons life. Even to drag him down, and then to continue to drag him down the longer he kept seeing her. The psychology behind their behavior is just too ingrained in who they are as a person. Unfortunately, in most cases, a cheating husband doesnt change. Serial cheaters will give you just enough information to make you feel like you know them, but you might still be left guessing. The engagement ring, the fact that we worked at the same company on the same floor, the fact that we seemed to have an excellent relationship in all areas, and the fact that we owned a home together had lulled me into a false sense of security. You were manipulated and used by a pro. "These are lies, of course, so that when they are not with you, they have a great story to draw from.". If you dont want to see your AP , just say you cant. A cheater never takes the blame on themselves. If youve enjoyed reading this article, let us know by commenting below and sharing it. If she wants to have you BOTH over for dinner then accept and show her how fantastic a relationship you have with him. Especially to people like fast food workers, cashiers, etc. In fact, Darn says they might make it a point early on to make themselves as hard to pin down as possible. Some unfaithful serial cheaters still do love their partners for some reason. Cheaters "deflect pointed conversations by changing the true subject and always minimizing their actions," award-winning therapist and survivor of psychological abuse. Not wishing to stir but I do wonder how many BSs on this site are being hoodwinked into believing that this was their hs first crime, when actually there were more that were never disclosed? His wife should ditch him, in my opinion. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". (Strangely both his counsellor and I said he wanted to get found out). They probably sense I would be pretty pissed. Its the easiest ego stroke, and it can happen at the water cooler. Men may also cheat because they lack self-confidence and want the attention. If shes crossing boundaries in an unprofessional way, its up to hr to deal with it. Narcissists cheat on their spouses, commit adultery and have extramarital affairs and liaisons for a variety of reasons which reflect disparate psychodynamic processes. Answer (1 of 19): I was just 18 when first married. Well everyone, just over two years ago, I probably though we would never have made it to this day, that was when the ea had started. I have been on high alert for signs but have found none. Extreme insecurity: This fellow needs constant reassurance and he is always looking for sources of reassurance. Oh yeah I think he saw the light but I think its because Mrs. MM said look here you tosser (LOL like that, its English, I know get your crazy self to rehab or Im divorcing you this time and taking EVERYTHING! Like they say here in the US, Money talks and bullshit walks! If you had he would be with youNO EXCUSESnot children, not family, not financial obligations, nothing, no one, no how, had you meant a scintilla to him he would have left all that and been with you. Please believe what Giz and Sarah P had to tell you about the MM. What hes learned is most time people have their own agendas and sometimes they are measuring him up on how big a dupe hes going to be. Top 12 Helpful Tricks, What Makes A Girl Jealous Of Another Girl? They start to rewrite and make up alternative histories to excuse their behavior. I am at a loss. It doesnt matter what job you have (or the ap has) there will always be another you or another him and it will happen again until you wont allow it to happen again. Sarah, Thankyou very much, so sweet of you to say. But, if you both decide to give your marriage another chance, there must be uncompromising compassion toward . She doesnt feel bad about hoeing around behind her boyfriends back. This is deplorable. Lol. Serial cheaters don't all cheat for the same reason and Edelman believes it can stem from personality disorders, mood disorders, or past trauma like . OK huggggss to you and I will be raising my glass of Chablis to you tonight Eyes! Its a common misconception that cheaters dont care about their wives. This leaves the men alone. Interesting to see what people come up with. Never going to mistrust my own gut over trusting someone else. Why Do Serial Cheaters Want to Stay Married? Unfortunately though, I had to let the ea run its course, there was nothing I could say or do that would make my h leave his skank, there was nothing I could do or say to skank to leave my h alone either. Immediately after I saw my Turd for what he was, I had and still have , absolutely NO FEELINGS for him whatsoever. The loss of self-esteem, self-worth, trust, hope, concentration, confidence. Honestly its a wonder our business was able to survive. They take his jovial-ness personally while ignoring all of the times he talks about being happily married. Ill bet she has a thousand more questions Thani and why because she never really knew him and well he lied to her just as much if not more than he lied to me. He never really believed it, I guess until now. Why Do Serial Cheaters Want to Stay Married? You have heard this part analysis from our other lovely ladies here, but wanted to add my two cents, for whatever it is worth: You said: I remember liking him as soon as I met him. I just have NO tolerance for those that continue to run roughshod through their own lives, wreaking havoc on others with no impunity is when I get all judgmental. Omg, they catch a man hook line and sinker. Yourself and Linda have also come such a long way, and I know that if I hadnt of found your site, I would have left my h at the beginning of last year, when I found that he was still lying and seeing his ow, while I had moved house, moved from my family and friends, my oldest children, while I tried to adjust our younger children to their new surrounds, while I tried to get my children through all of their tantrums, of having no friends, no family except for me, and occasionally their dad. "They might begin way ahead of time by telling you that their workload at the office just dramatically increased because of reorganization or people leaving," Wish told INSIDER. He said that it wasnt all your fault though which really made me cross. I know my h ow, would never grow a conscience, she would never apologise, she will always believe that she was in the right to do what she did. Because of that, they're less likely to seek it out again. He may consider it a mistake, even if it keeps on happening. So why do they do it? Then I found here, in my despair. Well, if any of you have advice on what me or my husband could do to get her to go away, let me know. Anyhow I think Im going to take a break but Ill probably be back tomorrow ha! Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. Unstable emotional regulation. They might disown him or distance themselves. I wasnt working here at the time as I had started my retail store. I felt so alone, I felt she had finally got her way, then I read others post, some of the blogs, and everything just made more sense. Heres the mistake that the wife made. "I Can't Afford to Take Care of Myself". Wish I could invite you all over for a Chablis or two. She must be shaking her head thinking WTF is he doing with her, he told me he couldnt stand her and now here they are traveling all over together, working together, what the hell happened? Your mistake thinking I was like you, and wouldnt fight for what was right, you thought I wouldnt fight to save my marriage and to save my husband and children from the likes of you. This of course leaves aside the kinds of relationships or. He had gone to rehab, found God, found a wonderful beautiful woman, had a successful business and yet through all the positive things that he had in his life and also realized what he had lost previously, he managed to find his way back to the gutter. Eventually that all dies down, but even though you might not be showering one another with the same attention or affection that you were at the start of it all, typically, Nothing a cheater does is your fault, but the second. I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am that this ordeal is dragging out and that some careless, narcissistic (and possibly sociopathic) woman wont bother to just go away with at least one minute shred of dignity in tact. Maybe he never really wanted to get married, and he only did it because its what society expected of him. BTW you and Eyes are not one of the PIGS. Married life is comfortable, and stable and includes many lifestyle habits that are hard to break. Then, be receptive to the injured party's . If you are in a relationship with a serial cheater, you really need to ask yourself if you want to be with someone that holds any of the above 4 mentalities. This can help you build up trust again, heal the pain, and work on the issues that led to infidelity in the first place. I warned my husband but she was relentless so I fired her and am glad I did. SP in answer to your request for suggestions: As the CS, I am wondering if my APs wife could have done anything that would have stopped us in our tracks. Using a licensed therapist as a sounding board as you work your way towards a decision will be the best move you can make in this situation. . I never even remembered that conversation we had until a while after the ea came to light. I was humiliated at family functions she attended. Any fantasies she might be entertaining will be laid to rest there and then. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. He stands to lose too much if he leaves. They use marriage as a built in excuse for things they dont even want to do. They view the world as a competitive marketplace, one where they must be on . You ask yourself how you could have been so blind as not to have seen what was going on behind your back. It is a good thing he came to his senses for many reasons. Generally, you should only stay married to a cheating man if he expresses genuine regret and is willing to work hard to improve the relationship and rebuild trust. (I wasnt married to my ex which shouldnt have made a difference but it did, his refusal to commit made me rethink my faithfulness.) If so, that's a blatant red flag your partner might be doing something suspicious. He was drinking when we first met, but I was a college student so I didnt really think anything of it cause I was a sot too. I believe the talk between the affair partners about how miserable their lives are with their spouses is a vital conversation to justify the affair. As for his wife, if her reaction to you is true, she obviously did not see her husbands contribution and that indicates he was playing both of you like a violin. And I dont need people to fill me up. Shes lying to seem more swanky and chic. Maybe you could ask if being married makes a difference. In Quiet, Susan Cain argues that we dramatically undervalue introverts and shows how much we lose in doing so.. Some unfaithful men still love their wives and yet need something more. To quote facebook, If you want to act single, be single. And angry because after all the mess we created THAT is what he gave a shit about .